Day 6 (with Wimbledon-induced delay) of the #wpad blog challenge.
Self-evaluation? For me, that means oscillating between illusions of grandeur and nagging, agonizing self-censorship.
The other day, I was asked to describe the strengths and weaknesses in my writing. It was quite easy for me to come up with strengths but I could not name my weaknesses. This is not because I think I don’t have any. I’m sure they are numerous (otherwise surely I would have “made it” as a professional writer by now, wouldn’t I?). But I couldn’t define them.
Perhaps that is because I don’t think about them, what they might be. Which brings me to the grandeur aspect of self-evaluation. Which is probably one of the reasons why I write.
Sometimes – no, let’s be honest: often – I look at what I’ve written and think, “damn, I’m good.” Or, not quite the same but just as satisfying: “I really like my story, my style.” You could say I’m rather full of myself. But if I didn’t feel like that, I would not be writing. And I daresay, this applies to everyone who fancies him- or herself a writer.
So I think I’m brilliant, only to be cut back down to size and perhaps beyond by my own inner censor. This happens when I re-read and think, “this really sucks” or “who the hell is going to be interested?” Or, perhaps worst of all, a general “all very nice but I’m never going to make it.”
Self-evaluation? Very tricky. It’s like trying to get a proud mother to be honest about her child’s abilities and weaknesses. So I go for feedback from others instead – that is, I sometimes do that. Usually my inner censor stops me from sending my stuff to others, telling me I shouldn’t bother bothering them with my self-indulgent crxx.